What’s doing?

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Finding over an hour of uninterrupted quiet in this house is akin to Columbus’s search for the new world; it’s a really long, terrible journey and you arrive only to find out later that isn’t exactly where you planned on ending up. Thursday night I dialed in to a conference call unsure of what I’d find. Husband did his best to quiet the kids and keep them on the far end of the house (which really isn’t very far) and I insulated myself behind the locked bedroom door and -for good measure- the locked bathroom door. Armed with a notebook and pen I sat on a stool and listened to Tara Wagner, The Organic Sister talk about Overwhelm.

At one point I ened up having to leave the bathroom as Husband needed to put the toddler in the tub to keep him occupied. I headed outside, sitting in the dark, scribbling madly trying not to smell so human to the mosquitoes. It didn’t work. I finally ended up sitting in my car with my dog outside the window. “What’s doing?” her cocked head was asking me. Yes I know, Leeloo, people are strange.

The call extended well past the hour and I was slightly disappointed and throughly relieved that the *2 raising hand feature wasn’t working. I had pushed it a couple times. After I sat for a moment with the huge amount of information swimming in my head. Fourteen pages of notes accompanied me back inside where I verbally dumped everything that had been said on Husband.

Things needed to change.

I am constantly in a state of Overwhelm.  Life homeschooling five kids, keeping the house relatively tidy, caring for 9 chickens, 3 turkeys, 3 cats and a dog, trying to complete my A.A., planning a very big move in about 6 months, and then trying to work in time to create anything additional has become a study in Chaos. I’m chaotic, the kids are chaotic, my relationship with Husband, chaotic. Anytime I find that hour or even ten minues, of quiet time to write it takes me half that time just to quiet the chaos. And even then it’s not where it should be.

The reason I’m writing this here is because something resonated with me that I can’t shake from my thoughts. Tara said this:

Chaos inside creates Chaos without.

When we sit down feeling chaotic, overhwelmed, anxious, nervous, all those things that tumble around inside creating an unpeaceful feeling, then we put hands to keys, pen to paper, what is it that we are creating? For someone that expresses themselves through various art forms, looking back on the things I have created, I can see that when I’m rushed or feeling that inner chaos of just needing to get this project done! I haven’t been able to create the quality the things I made other times when that feeling was absent.

That isn’t to say we’re supposed to create from a place of perfect peace. Emotions are what drive many forms of creation and turning off that flowing source of power isn’t going to help. But feeling emotions and being chaotic are two completely different things. Like Asia and Bermuda.

She had some wonderful suggestions on the process of eliminating chaos, of Overcoming Overwhelm. One of which I will be implementing over the course of the next few weeks; to figure out my priorities.

Only once I get to a place where I know where I want to go, can I move forward.

I want to Write. I know that much. But I need to create the time and space both externally and in myself, where that can take place. I need to shed the other excess things that take up that precious area and eliminate them.

The fanstastic thing about self discovery for me, is that once I discover something it’s as thought a door has been opened, a light turned on in a half-dark room, I can see things in a second that hadn’t been able to manifest before and it never goes dark again. It’s as exciting as it is scary. So, some of my posts might be a little deeper than I had planned to go. I still plan to write because if we wait for that perfect time nothing will ever get done. I just know that I’m not the only person that experiences Overwhelm and I am so impressed and delighted with Tara’s creations and her message that I felt not sharing it would be a disservice to everyone that hasn’t heard of it yet.

And that my friends is What’s Doing. Have a happy, and un-Chaotic, Saturday.

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4 responses »

  1. I understand chaotic, but in a friend’s life rather than mine. She home schools her son AND works a full time job, which involves some travel. Plus, she gets very little help at home from her husband because HE stays stressed all the time. Her life is total chaos all the time. It would be very difficult to write in such a situation.

    I’m lucky to have started this writing thing during a time when my boys are grown. I sometimes complain about having to work a full time job and try to write, but I feel a little ashamed about that now. *looks sheepish*

    I hope you find your inner calm and are able to slow down a little. When you set aside some writing time, take a deep breath, get your head into the world you’re creating, and go for it. Good luck!

    • We all have things that are chaotic to ourselves and what is chaotic for you might not be for me. I think a full time job would be harder than what I do!

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